LETTING IT BE THERE

There are days when no matter how far you think you've come in your journey of healing and making progress moving forward that you feel like you come to a screeching halt.

This past week I've had a number of days that felt this way to me

My heart's been heavy and the feeling of hopelessness keeps trying to creep back in.  My body has actually been feeling physically heavier as if I'm constantly dragging around something heavy. 

This time of year is not an easy time for me.  My son passed away on Good Friday.  He was at work that day unlike many who have the day off as a recognized holiday.  The date that year was April 14th.  So each year it's not just one day, it's a number of days where those memories are in the forefront of my mind.  I remember it like yesterday...the people, the Easter gathering at my sister's house so we could still be together to support one another and our Pastor Lisa coming to say a prayer with us.

This past week had some additional challenges that presented themselves.  I found out that a coworker that I had worked with for 20 years had unexpectedly passed away.  I don't know how or what happened.  I only that someone I cared dearly for is no longer with us.  He had just retired last year and was one of the kindest and funniest men I've known.  He was a retired Major in the Air Force and a graduate from the United States Air Force Academy.  We bonded over this.  I have two sons and a daughter in law that graduated from the Academy as well. 

I also found out a close family member has been given a grim prognosis on their life expectancy. 

We are currently in the midst of a pandemic so most of the news you hear these days is about more loss in our world.

I know I sound pretty gloomy.  That's exactly how I feel.  I also know I have to allow it to be there for now.  I have to allow myself to be enveloped in my feelings of sadness and even temporary hopelessness.  Not forever, just enough time for me to work through it.  I know if I allow this and give myself this time to process and heal, I will be okay. 
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Writing this is a way for me to express myself that provides me some comfort and relief.  Today is the third anniversary of the passing of my son and it happens to be a beautiful sunny day.  My step daughter told me the sun was shining for me today.  That melted my heart and I felt something shift inside of me.  That's what love can do for you.

Until next time,
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Lisa J.

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